Topic for a book: Hell's Survival Guide. How to make the most of you God damned enternity.
Tip One: Scar tissue is your friend.
Remember when your strolling beside firey pits or being tortured by Satan's minions in vats of boiling oil, that scar tissue is your friend. Sure you may lose a bit of sensitivity and you may never feel a person tap on your back, but hey, who needs those bothersome annoyances anyway? Don't forget, the best scars come if you repeatedly burst your blisters. Don't be afraid of the puss and blood. Think of it as a protective coating when it dries into a yellow, brown or black flacky scab. We encourage you to pick those very same scabs. You can save them to form a ball that you can play with or eat. After all, with a diet of scalding water and brimstone, a little change is a welcome change now matter how disgusting. Remember you have eternity there, so make it interesting every day.
Tip Two: Being thrown from a cliff to a rocky doom is a good thing.
One thing you should always keep in mind in hell is that those minions that inflict such pain so ruthlessly, were damned to hell just like you. And that means they're most likely lazy. So when they drag you by the feet across a field of broken glass towards a cliff, don't resist, this is actually better fate. Sure, these demons are going to heave and ho and toss you below, but think about the bright side, those little buggers probably won't rappel down the side of that cliff so drag you up and toss you over again. I know what you're thinking, you're going to be a gnarled and mangled mess all alone in the darkness and depths of a cavern. First of all nobody is going to see you. Hell, you won't be able to see yourself. And second, with all that alone time to heal while your shattered bones reform into a zigzag pattern that only Picasso (and he's here too) can appreciate, you can use that time to discover sensory deprivation. With such time you'll probably morph into a proto-human and climb right out of that cave, and then you can romp about hell raising hell. Trust me when I say that the Devil will be proud of you. Hell, he'll probably give you a job as a minion. So always remember that being tossed to a rocky doom is a good thing.
Tip Three: Screaming and crying is for suckers.
This is a literal tip. See when you scream and shot miniscule amounts of water vapor escape from you lungs. And when you cry these things call tear ducts release a fluid the pours from the corners of your eyes and occassionally your nose. One thing every resident of hell learns is that water is an important resource. Besides scalding water and plumes of stream rising from craters, there isn't much water that hasn't been evaporated down here, so one must learn to conserve every bit of water they can, and that means so crying or screaming. Because if you do you're most likely going to end up sucking the sweat from both your own body and that of others. Sure it's gross, but remember it's hell.
Tip Four: Kissing ass only bruises your nose.
Most people think that when the get tossed into hell that they'll be alright because they're on Satan's side. So these damned people make a bee-line to that Old Devil thinking they can flatter him and get on his good side. Now Lucifer may have been created as an angel but time has turned him into quite a devil. So he has these kiss ups line up to kiss his rear, and right when they pucker up, Satan kicks them with his goat feet right in the nose, sending them sailing from his thrown upon the highest stalagmite. I'm sure you've all seen pictures on bodies impaled upon stalagmites, well if you look closely you'll see each of those writhing corpses has a bruised imprint in the shape of a hoof upon their noses. So it is recommended to stay clear of the big boss Beelzebub.
Tip One: Scar tissue is your friend.
Remember when your strolling beside firey pits or being tortured by Satan's minions in vats of boiling oil, that scar tissue is your friend. Sure you may lose a bit of sensitivity and you may never feel a person tap on your back, but hey, who needs those bothersome annoyances anyway? Don't forget, the best scars come if you repeatedly burst your blisters. Don't be afraid of the puss and blood. Think of it as a protective coating when it dries into a yellow, brown or black flacky scab. We encourage you to pick those very same scabs. You can save them to form a ball that you can play with or eat. After all, with a diet of scalding water and brimstone, a little change is a welcome change now matter how disgusting. Remember you have eternity there, so make it interesting every day.
Tip Two: Being thrown from a cliff to a rocky doom is a good thing.
One thing you should always keep in mind in hell is that those minions that inflict such pain so ruthlessly, were damned to hell just like you. And that means they're most likely lazy. So when they drag you by the feet across a field of broken glass towards a cliff, don't resist, this is actually better fate. Sure, these demons are going to heave and ho and toss you below, but think about the bright side, those little buggers probably won't rappel down the side of that cliff so drag you up and toss you over again. I know what you're thinking, you're going to be a gnarled and mangled mess all alone in the darkness and depths of a cavern. First of all nobody is going to see you. Hell, you won't be able to see yourself. And second, with all that alone time to heal while your shattered bones reform into a zigzag pattern that only Picasso (and he's here too) can appreciate, you can use that time to discover sensory deprivation. With such time you'll probably morph into a proto-human and climb right out of that cave, and then you can romp about hell raising hell. Trust me when I say that the Devil will be proud of you. Hell, he'll probably give you a job as a minion. So always remember that being tossed to a rocky doom is a good thing.
Tip Three: Screaming and crying is for suckers.
This is a literal tip. See when you scream and shot miniscule amounts of water vapor escape from you lungs. And when you cry these things call tear ducts release a fluid the pours from the corners of your eyes and occassionally your nose. One thing every resident of hell learns is that water is an important resource. Besides scalding water and plumes of stream rising from craters, there isn't much water that hasn't been evaporated down here, so one must learn to conserve every bit of water they can, and that means so crying or screaming. Because if you do you're most likely going to end up sucking the sweat from both your own body and that of others. Sure it's gross, but remember it's hell.
Tip Four: Kissing ass only bruises your nose.
Most people think that when the get tossed into hell that they'll be alright because they're on Satan's side. So these damned people make a bee-line to that Old Devil thinking they can flatter him and get on his good side. Now Lucifer may have been created as an angel but time has turned him into quite a devil. So he has these kiss ups line up to kiss his rear, and right when they pucker up, Satan kicks them with his goat feet right in the nose, sending them sailing from his thrown upon the highest stalagmite. I'm sure you've all seen pictures on bodies impaled upon stalagmites, well if you look closely you'll see each of those writhing corpses has a bruised imprint in the shape of a hoof upon their noses. So it is recommended to stay clear of the big boss Beelzebub.
posted by T.S. Idiot at 2:16 PM
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