Do you think that you're the only one that knows the constant anxiety of being hunted down? Everyday I have to be on my toes to escape death... death that looms above my head and lurks around every corner. I have no doubt that one day I will be caught of guard--crossing the street without looking, driving frantically while late to work, not paying attention after being up late the night before, not enough time to jump start my focus with coffee, being hit by a car while explaining to a person at work that I'm already on my way, scanning the radio station and accidentally veering into oncoming traffic... Millions of possibilities for my demise and I can only choose few that further my life.

New Penal System...

I don't agree with the penalty of a crime being decided by those that aren't on the receiving end of that penalty. Those that determine punishment most likely have never served any degree of sentence that they demand another serve. That being the case, how would they ever know that what they determine as apt punishment is best for the defendent?

I propose that those being punished determine their own punishment. The defendent would remain incarcerated until a jury (or, if agreed upon, judge) agrees with the punishment.

No honest and religious man could ever get into the political arena.

A politician is expected to make decisions that punish or reward people. By making those decisions they fail the moral test of what is right. By punishing someone, they declare that he or she isn't worthy of respect and is therefore inferior and deserving of injury. By rewarding you allocate advantage to a single individual causing a massive disadvantage for all other individuals, thereby showing favoritism to a few and disrespect to the many. All religions demand compassion, love, and the utmost respect for all of God's creation, which includes human beings. By not showing respect these politicians violate a core principle of their beliefs.

Most religions advocate favoritism to those of the same conviction. This would urge politicians of a religious affiliations to maintain a favorable bias for those like them and a negative bias for those that are different. We see this behavior constantly from politicians. Even the president, with his favorable leanings toward the conservative Christians, is guilty of showing a bias. As long as politicians have biases, contention will never leave politics.

The only person that could be a member of politics without violating any facet of their beliefs would be agnostics or atheists. These people wouldn't breach and spiritual contract by making those tough social decisions that require the use of punishments and rewards.

Voters of a religious persuasion would probably be offended by having a heathen looking out for their interests. Christians and Muslims are encouraged to have children and teach their children to uphold their same principles. This maintains a consistent constituency that keeps politicians of a political persuasion in offices. This means that in order to remove the contentious element of religious bias from politics, a person must attack religion. By addressing the religious bias problem in the political arena would be futile since there, majority is what rules.

The faults of religion must be fought using logic and empirical reason.

Sometimes I feel as though I am the human embodiment of both Jesus and Satan. In almost every situation that I encounter, I acknowledge and consider all the possible decisions I can make, from the most loving to the most loathesome.

I don't forbid my mind from entertaining purely evil choices. I figure that if good naturally triumphs, then logically including these options wouldn't make me evil since I will inevitably choose the better option which would be good. In certain situations though I feel that evil or destructive options are apt.

Recently, I've made it a habit of reacting in the most constructive ways. There are times where I feel victimized and desire to lash out in destructive ways. Sometimes I feel that something must be destroyed in order to be reuilt correctly.

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I wonder how a Buddhist would deal with these beligerent assholes that plague America and are eager to expoit every vulnerability presented. Recently these assholes have found that to represent themselves as spokesmen for God would be to their greatest advantage.

How would someone who is enlightened confront another that is out of control and a danger? Would they let the asshole learn their lesson through guilt? Compassion doesn't demand that any action be taken against base and aggressive behavior.

Buddhism isn't the only religion that can't successfully deal with this issue. In fact all religions fail at this. Christianity says turn the other cheek, but that just leads to slavery to the oppressor. Judaism and Islam say an eye for an eye, but that leads to universal blindness, for everyone would end up losing their eyes.

Secularly the law is supposed to deal with these assholes, unfortunately the assholes tend to gravitate toward law enforcement. It provides them legitamacy for their beligerency.

Education could provide an solution. Teach these people that being an asshole is counterproductive and a flaw. Teach them to overcome their faults and become better people. This however is futile since education tends to end when the class ends. Kids go home to their neglectful parents and watch television and play video games, letting all that was learned to fade from their memory.

So therefore we are all stuck with assholes. Society sucks!

When describing Chicagoland, Ernest Hemingway complained about the "broad lawns and narrow minds."

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The idea is that the suburbs are wonderful places for people to settle and raise children. - Missy

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What does a person escape by moving to the suburbs? If you come from the city, there is less congestion, but ultimately it is no better or worse. The country is no better, possibly worse with all the intolerance and ignorance. I don't trust any of the three areas, of course, I'm not a very trusting person when dealing with society. I provide trust on an individual basis only. I initially give people the benefit of the doubt, but after the first cross I drop them. For the most part, when people interact the most despicable traits rise to the surface. They automatically feel threatened and scheme for advantage. The survival instinct resides in the most base area of the brain.

Some people go to great lengths to avoid social interaction. I find myself doing this sometimes, which is odd because I consider myself quite a social person.

Whenever I go to a party, I never fail at making others have a good time (or so I suppose). I'm not saying that the good time was directly due to my presence, but I never bring a person down. I truly think that people enjoy my company, and even though they may long for my return, I tend to be reluctant to re-enter the same social arena.

I call it an arena, because it's all a game. All people, not just me, act and put on a face in public. They parade around pretending to take interests in conversations that would put the sun to sleep. Wouldn't they rather be reading a book, playing solitaire or taking a nap rather than attending any social event?

But there is something that social interaction provides that solitude, no matter the resources, cannot. A person feels a kinship with their fellow man and, even though they may gain no advantage from the experience, they become more connected to society. Still, they may regret attending the event as opposed to solitary study or entertainment.

I recognize that dilemma and I try to make the fellow social members' experience more enjoyable by bringing something new into their lives. By having this motive, I am forced to examine my own level of knowledge again that of others. I do this, not to compare but rather in hope of gleaning new information from other people. Sure its selfish, but I want to progress and I'm more than willing to help others with the same pursuit.

I was an overweight child until third grade. This residual baby fat was a cause of a great deal of embarrassment. Kids would tease me and call me the garbage can man, saying that I would eat anything. I would often tell myself that when I grew up and lost the weight, that I would have the confidence to be the best and most popular student at school. I lost the weight and still felt like an outcast. I blamed my lack of self-esteem on my seasonal cold sores. I thought that when the cold sores disappeared so would my inhibitions. Well, they faded away and eventually stopped coming and I was still the same; avoiding getting involved from fear of embarrassment. It wasn't because I was incapable. In class teachers routinely told me I had talent, but that attention also embarrassed me and I slowly decreased the little effort I put forth. I came upon a system that would keep me under the radar. I got the regular good grades for half the grading period and afterward I would do nothing but take the tests (which I usually passed with high scores). This had the teachers quite annoyed with me and no longer paying me that attention I loathed. Even with these conditions improving, I was still shy around girls and isolated from my peers. I came to blame these faults on more permanent characteristics, like that of my moles, freckles and red hair. Now I had a full proof excuse for all of my troubles. I didn't want to admit that I was afraid to fail, that I thought I didn't belong around these people, that being lower class in a rich school made me inferior. If I would have been honest about my shortcomings, I could have corrected them. Instead I lied to myself. It wasn't until many years later, after I was out of the inferiority Petri dish, that I was able to be truthful with myself. I learned to disregard my physical flaws and accept the person I am beneath the skin.

Quotes from Tao Te Ching!!!

• If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled.
• If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself.
• Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
• True perfection seems imperfect, yet it is perfectly itself. True fullness seems empty, yet it is fully present.
• There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong that preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.
• The more you know the less you understand.
• True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can't be gained by interfering.
• The more prohibitions you have, the less virtuous people will be.
• The more weapons you have, the less secure people will be.
• The more subsidies you have, the less self-reliant people will be.
• Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.
• When there is no desire, all things are at peace.
• If you don't trust people, YOU make them untrustworthy.
• Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.
• Hold onto the center.
• When they lose their sense of awe, people turn to religion.
• When they no longer trust themselves, they begin to depend upon authority.
• Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else there is no end to the blame.
• If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
• If you aren't afraid of dying, there is nothing you can't achieve.
• The world is sacred. It cannot be improved. If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it. If you treat it like an object, you'll lose it.
• True words seem paradoxical.

[Mad props to Missy for making me read her Tao te Ching book!]

On interstate-55, travelling south from Chicago to Normal, IL, you pass over a bridge overlooking a narrow river, and directly before the bridge there is a sign with the inscriptions "Money Creek". Since my first trip down there with my father to tour the campus I've always wanted to steal that sign. I even brought the idea up to my roommate Dan. He wasn't that interested in the idea. It wasn't the legality that turned him off but rather the lack of symbolic worth. I'm sure he would have preferred a sign that read "Hallow Crossing", "Vacant Lot" or "Pass With Care". He was a pretty deep person, despite his typecast as a stoner that most people saw him as. Disregarding him, this was just the sort of fun that grabbed my interest. So on my next trip passing the sign, I mad a pit stop at Money Creek. I pulled over to the side of the road, beside the sign, and opened the hood of the car (for the sake of cover). I walked over to the sign, planted my feet and tried to heave it out of the ground. The sign remained motionless and my back began to ache. The sign's anchors ran far too deep.

I recently read something about affirmation, that is using your mental energy to channel a result of your choosing. The process is as follows:
(1) Decide upon a goal that you could state in a single sentence.
(2) Write that sentence on a piece of paper 15 time every day until the goal is achieved.

That simple. Not a very difficult method of reaching a goal. No gantt chart, no process diagrams or action item lists. Nope just repitiion plain and simple. Quite similar to prayer.

I wonder if there are any rules to regulate this process. Can you only approach one goal at a time? What happens if there are two conflicting goals? If you double the sentences you write, do you cut the time in half? Can my goal be to exhaust want? In that case wouldn't giving up be achieving what you want?

I wonder if this even works. There's no harm in trying this out, but I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up until I achieve the goal... Well here's a start.
1.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
2.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
3.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
4.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
5.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
6.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
7.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
8.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
9.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
10.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
11.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
12.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
13.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
14.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
15.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
16.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
17.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
18.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
19.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.
20.) I, Tony, will write and publish a book.

All right, that's enough of that. I promise that this is the first and last time I will ever do this in my logs until I am actually published. I hope it doesn't deduct points for illedgible handwriting.

I think I suffer from OCD. Every time (and I mean EVERY TIME) i see a group of numbers I mentally conjure an algorithm with the least complexity to for the numbers sequence "223". I think that this obsession is slowly driving me mad. Even now the time is 12:49 - position 0 os 1, 1 is 2, 2 is 4, 3 is 9; so 1 * (2)√4+9 = 2*2+3... There you have it, obsession in a nutshell... Now its 12:51 - 1 * (2) + (2 + 3) * 1 = 2+2+3...223. And it won't stop. Every time, every license plate, every street address... 223...223...223!!! No matter what the length of the number sequence, no matter what time of day, I will always be tormented by the mental need to reshape the numbers into the sequence 223... What a nut case I've become! Coocoo for cocoa puff, coocoo for cocoa puffs!!! :}כּ

Her mouth is slightly agap, eyes fixated on the window in the corner. Does her spirit long to fly, to take to the world on her own... No, she is restrained by her love, one that she can't describe for the words can't satisfy the thoughts. She closes her eyes and imagines a life where she would have the resources for expression, when a child and a home would become the description of her love and devotion. But still that window beckons, tempting and urging her to abandon the heart for the cool air in her lungs, the wind against her face and the future yet to be written. She tells herself that she's already happy and no escape would bring better freedom to her heart. She pulls the blankets up to her neck and rolls over, snuggling against my shoulder. "Close the window for me, would you honey?" she asks as she closes her eyes.